Chaos
by Mystiria
Summary: A story about Jessie and Katie; Jessie's thoughts, fears, and the evolution of their relationship.


My very first fanfic I've ever written.  
  
- I don't own the show "Once And Again." The copyright belongs to the company that produces it, distributes it, etc. And I'm poor, so don't bother suing me. Thanks!  
  
  
  
  
  
"I choose you."  
  
Those words still whisper in my ear. I play the scene over in my head. We were having an argument about her former friend. I didn't want to get between them; I thought I was the problem. But Katie chose me. Me! I let out a breath I didn't know I had held in. My heart pounded, as if I had just been racing. My body, every fiber of my being, stood on end. I felt a surge of emotion washing through my body like a tidal wave. Fear, happiness joy; all these emotions rushed in at once. I could hardly believe it. Katie was such a wonderful person; caring, kind, and she understood me better than anyone else could. And that look she gave me, that pure love shining through her beautiful eyes. I could not believe that such a wonderful person would care for me so much. And I felt something for her… I just wasn't sure what. All I knew was that I was overjoyed Katie had chosen me. Although I hadn't wanted Katie to choose in the first place, I couldn't believe it. She chose me!  
  
As I softly smiled, my eyes shining, I realized how much I cared for her. Katie had quickly become the person I cared most about. She knew my flaws, my faults, and accepted me for who I was. She never expected me to be anything other than myself. She just wanted me! I treasured that more than she could believe. Her faith in me helped beat back all those fears and self-criticism I hid in my heart. Katie had become my center, my heart, my all. I cared for her more than anything. But was that it? "No," I mentally told myself. "There's nothing more going on…" But in the back of my heart, I knew better than to believe that was all there was to our friendship.  
  
  
  
Katie had been right in getting away from the school. I had missed so much already because of my mother's accident, and the pressure from the teachers, and the coddling from the students, only made it worse. As I led her up into my room, I smiled softly. I wanted her to see my bedroom. It was a safe haven for me, somewhere I could relax, and be myself. I wanted her to see this part of me. I wanted to share this with her. Being alone in my mother's house. I just wanted to be with her. Nothing else mattered.  
  
We walked into the room. I lay on the bed, relaxing. Katie spun around, soaking in the ambience. She made some small comment about the room décor. It didn't matter to me. I just stared at her face, watching her look around. And then she took of her top, and walked towards the bed. My breath caught. She was wearing a white, fitted tank top. She looked so beautiful, her amber eyes glowing, and her brown hair falling onto her face as she lay onto the bed. She turned to her side, and I did also, until we were facing each other. She rested her face on her hand, hair flowing out from her fingers. God, she looked so beautiful. We stared at each other. There was this moment of connection, of understanding. My chest felt tight. What was this feeling? What were these roiling emotions inside of me? We slowly inched closer and closer to each other. We were getting so close… I only knew I wanted to be where she was, to feel skin on skin; to touch her beautiful hair, to be with her… I yearned for a connection, a release of all this tension building up inside of me…  
  
Then Lily walked in. I jumped away. Katie got up, and quickly put her top on. I was angry, and confused. What was going on? Shaken up, I quickly got my stuff together and followed Lily. Part of me wanted to be back in that room, following my emotions. But the rest of me, confused, was glad for the interruption. What had almost happened there? I wasn't… was I? "No," I said sharply to myself. I shook my head slightly. No, Katie was just a good friend. Just a very close friend. But still, a small part of me wonders about what might be possible…  
  
  
  
"No," I have to keep reassuring myself. "You're just not interested in guys because you haven't found one you really clicked with. That's it. It has nothing to do with anything else. I'd be okay; I would be fine, if I were gay. But I'm not. I'd know it, wouldn't I? Of course I would. I'm not gay. I'm not. Those feelings for Katie, they're nothing. Just a close friendship. That's all there is. I'm not gay. I would know it."  
  
  
  
"Hey, wait up!"  
  
I pretended not to see Katie waving and calling to me in the crowded hallway. I felt so confused. What was going on? I hated Grace for making me feel this way. I can't believe she thinks Katie's a lesbian! God, the nerve of Gracie! She goes around saying this "Gay and Straight Alliance" thing is such a good thing, but she has no problem with spreading gossip about Katie, MY Katie! Katie's so cool and wonderful. She isn't a lesbian. I would have known it! Wait, my Katie? Oh God, oh God…  
  
Katie catches up with me. I force myself to smile, acting like nothing is wrong. She starts fiddling with my hair. It's frizzing, you see. She steps behind me and starts softly stroking my hair. I love that closeness, that intimacy. For a moment, I feel at peace. Then I look up. People walking down the hallway; staring at the two of us, so close together. I can feel the weight of their stare, feel the judgment, the perceptions they have about us. The moment has been violated. I feel a flush of shame, and pull away. The bell rings. Katie is upset, but I give her a weak excuse, and run towards class. I feel her anguished stare at my back. All I know is that I have to flee from Katie, from what I'm feeling. Perhaps, if I get enough distance between us, these wrong feelings will go away. But somehow, I doubt it.  
  
  
  
I turn the letter over and over, while sitting at my mother's bedside. What did Katie write? In my heart, I feel a swelling of hope, but also the crushing agony of fear. I both hope, and dread, that she mirror my secret desire. But do I really desire her? I can't be a lesbian, I can't! I'm fine with others being that way, but I'm not! I'm still so confused.  
  
With hands shaking, I carefully unfold the letter. The hospital lighting is dim, but I can still read Katie's handwriting. I am shocked. Katie's in love with me! I cannot believe it. Part of me is jumping for joy. Another part of me is upset; upset that Katie would put this on me, that she would try to ruin this friendship; and also, that what I'm feeling must be wrong. And another part of me is frozen; unable to decide what reaction I should be having. Part of me wants to cry. Another part of me wants to hit Katie. And another part of me wants to kiss Katie, let all those feelings show. God, I'm so confused. She's my best friend! She's also a girl! And she's a lesbian! What am I? Do I even know who I am, what I am? I don't want to let anyone else down. I don't want anyone to feel ashamed of me, ignore me. I want to continue being the perfect little girl. But I cannot remain that way, no matter what choice I make. Katie's letter will change me forever.  
  
I am caught in the mess of emotions. I am frozen, but a tear drifts slowly down my chin. I stare into space. I am caught between so many conflicting emotions. What should I do?  
  
Mom wakes up, snapping me out of my daze. She senses something is off, but chooses not to pursue it. That's for the best. I don't know how to describe my emotions to anyone right now. Giving her a smile, I wipe away the tear. It's time for my mother now. I have to ignore what I'm going through, and give her support. My feelings don't matter.  
  
  
  
I keep reading the letter over and over. I can't stop. It's such a beautiful letter. But it disturbs me. All these feelings get riled up. I keep asking myself, "Is it true? Could I be in love with Katie?" Some part of me thinks that re-reading the letter will give me the answer, but it doesn't. When reading this letter I can feel Katie's raw emotions screaming at me. It's Katie's heart, written on paper, written with her own hand. I feel like, no matter what I do, I will lose the most important thing to me- Katie's friendship, her love. I don't know what to do. I care for Katie. But how much? In my head, I see her moving; brown hair shining, caught by sunlight, shimmering, gliding through the air; I see Katie on the bed, head on her hand, staring at me with those luminescent amber eyes. I see Katie staring up at me, saying, "I choose you." But I also see those people staring in the hallways. I can imagine my family shunning me, being ostracized by school, by society. And in the back of my head, I feel a phobia against gays. I don't know what to do!  
  
I stayed home from school today. I just didn't know how to face Katie. How would I act? What would I say? And with school, my mother, and all those other peoples around, I wouldn't be able to control myself. I knew I was avoiding Katie, but I didn't know what else to do.  
  
I hear a knock at the door. I look up. Katie is standing at the top of the steps, self-conscious. She can't look at me. In a low voice, she demands her sweater back. I reel away in shock. What is going on? She finally looks at me, tears in her eyes, and demands the sweater. I want to cry. Katie's in so much pain! I demand to know what's going on. Katie apologizes for the letter, and promises not to talk to me again. But that's not what I want! Tears start falling from her eyes, leaving shining trails on her face. "If you want to be just friends," she cries, "I'll be just friends!"  
  
"I don't want to lose you!" I cry. "I don't want to lose our friendship! But I don't want to be more than friends!" Her tears are falling faster now. I reach out and hug her close. Having her there, her body pressed up against mine, feels right.  
  
"Let's forget the letter," Katie cries. "Let's just forget what I wrote in the letter!"  
  
"No!" I cry. "I love the letter! I'll treasure it forever!"  
  
Katie pulls away in shock. She's confused. I'm confused. We stare into each other's eyes, at each other's lips. This moment seems to last an eternity. Then I reach forward, and kiss Katie. A soft, gentle kiss, full of love, and tenderness. I break the kiss off, and look into Katie's eyes. She smiles at me, and strokes my face. I kiss her again, more passionately. All I want to do is kiss her. I finally know what I want. I want her.  
  
I don't know where this will all lead. I guess that this means I'm a lesbian. Grace was right. How ironic. Inside, I always knew. I just had to allow myself to see it. Katie's so beautiful. We just stare at each other, smiling. I don't know what the future will hold, but I know that right now, I've found happiness. In a woman, a best friend's, a lover's, arms. I have found me. 


End file.
